You feel what you feel, hun. Right now your brother is in bad shape, they don't know if he will make it or not, it triggers you to see him, and you want to forgive him but you can't right now. Maybe one day you will be able to... and maybe you won't.

It's okay. You are where you are, and you feel what you feel, and it's okay.

Take good gentle care of yourself during this triggering time, eh?