I have been clean and sober since dec 3 rd 2008 . I know its not a long time , but for me its a lifetime. I have used a variety of different things over the past 30 yrs to avoid life , and although i have had some sober times in the past , this is the first time that i have recognized that i was an addict. Back in 2007 i did a 6 week stint in IOP that was sort of successful , but after 8 months i relapsed, and since then had gone back to using , probably more than ever. In dec of last yr i decided i had to stop yet again , and have done very well , that is up till this past thursday.
My mom is disabled and lives with me . On thursday of last week she had a surgical procedure and was sent home that same day , but sent home with very powerful pain pills (one of my many drugs of choice) . She is unable to get the meds herself , therefore needs my assistance . Anyway since having these meds in the house it has been hell . The first day i tried to do the right thing , but by friday i had stashed 2 of her pills . Since then i have 5 more stashed (so far in the last 2 days she hasnt needed any pain meds and there are about 25 remaining in the script) . I have these pills stashed for one reason and one resaon only .. to use them . But at the same time i dont want to lose my clean time . I dont want to go back to my old habits. On this "quit" i have done this totally on my own , but last night i was so afraid that i would use some of the meds that i decided to look up a number to call NA and did just that . I made it through last night , but now i am struggling once again ... really bad. The lady i talked to last night said that there was a meeting today about 30 miles away and she will meet me and go with me to it , but its not till 8 pm , and thats another 8 hours away! I know the easy solution is to put the meds back and not take them , but its just not that easy. I have such a sense of comfort just knowing that i have something , just in case. UGH I DO NOT WANT TO USE!!!!!