Has anybody dealt with spiritual abuse? Among other abuses my mom has made me afraid of God. She would threaten me with God's wrath. If she thought I was lying she make me put my hand on the bible. I would then always tell the truth. I see God as abusive. I see him as strick wanting us to do as he says or we'll burn in hell. She never taught me about Jesus. She never told me I was loved. Love is another issue for me.

I learned about Jesus as an adult and he seems so gentle and comforting. The opposite from God.

I've been attending church for 8 years wearing my mask. I listen to christian music and it lifts me up. I work with a Christian counselor and have read several spiritual abuse books. I know they say he loves us and wants the best for us. I don't understand love because I have never felt love.

I try to have a relationship with God, but I can never stick with it. Whenever I go wayward I totally pretend God doesn't exisit. I won't even listen to Chrisitan music.

I just want to feel he loves me. I'm so programmed that I'm headed for hell, I'm posessed and will never make it to heaven. My mom told me that. I will never make it to heaven. So I just give up.

People can tell me the truth over and over but my mind just doesn't soak it in and my body doesn't feel it.

Any suggestions?