I have been on this site for awhile but found myself avoiding this section because my mom's death really affected me and talking about it makes it harder but I really need to do this.

My mom passed away in the 27 of August this past year. She had cancer, we had only found out about the cancer a little over one month prior to her death. Everything was a shock. We were told that she could live 5-20 years with the type of cancer she had.

She had went for her first chemo treatment and took it fine, didn't even get sick. She was in the hospital for the 4 days while she was having the chemo treatment. The only issue she had was a low blood count, so they gave her a blood transfusion. She did really well with that as well. Then they sent her home.

After two days of being home she started bleeding under her skin. She woke up in the morning and all the areas that had pressed against the mattress as she slept were red and bloody under her skin, so back to the hospital she went. We found out her platelets were extremely low so her blood was not clotting and began leaking out.

She spent 5 more days in the hospital, getting all kinds of transfusions, both platelets and blood, also shots to help her body create more platelets. After that she was sent home again, this time she was only home for one day and started burning up with a fever, so back to the hospital because chemo destroys your blood cells, including the white blood cells which fight off infection.

She got so much worse the bleeding under her skin was now from her abdomen, across her whole back and down to her knees, it was horrible, she was in so much pain.

At that point, they were just giving her IV fluid and pain/fever meds. I went in to see her as I had been doing all along, only this time something was wrong. She was not herself, she was in a stuperous state, barely opened her eyes. Would only mumble or push us away.

I told the nurse that something serious was going on with my mom. She said no, she's fine it's just the fever. I said she's peeing herself, she has never done that before. She's acting really weird. Then I said she's breathing 40 breaths a minute, she said her vitals are fine. I said no they are not, 40 breaths a minute is way too much (the norm is 12-20). So the nurse finally gave my mom oxygen. I am a nursing student, I had been working at the hospital doing clinicals prior to that, so I know whats normal or not. I didn't tell the nurse that but I should have.

Anyways, I stayed with my mom till about 12 midnight and she was quiet, the rest of my family had went home a couple hours prior. I decided at 12 midnight to go home as well. My dad called at 5 am saying they transferred my mom to the ICU and that my mom had slipped into a coma at 3 am. I knew it, the nurse didn't listen to me, I knew things were really serious. They should have put her on a broad spectrum antibiotic immediately because she had no white blood cells to fight off infection.

When I went back to the hospital, my mom was in the ICU; tons of machines, IV's ect hooked to her. She didn't even look like my mom. Her whole body was swelled. Her face, the insides of her eye lids were swelled and popping out as well. Blood was coming out of her mouth and nose. I went to hold her hand and it was ice cold. It was then I realized this was way more serious than I had thought. I was at the hospital with her for about 18 hours when the doctor called my family to the family room. I knew what was coming, I had seen it in movies, but I had no idea that I would have to be doing this with my mom. Especially not so soon, she was only 55 years old.

We had to make the call. They stopped all meds. I sat with her and watched all the machine levels decrease. When I saw her flatline it was so unreal. I remember looking at the clock, it was 5:50 am. I went home after and was a mess. I was really shaky, couldn't eat, sick to my stomach. I thought those feelings would never fade, it was horrible.

The thing that gets to me most is that my mom didn't die of the cancer itself. She died of Septic shock, an infection in her blood. I can almost guarantee she picked that up while in the hospital. It happens alot in hospitals due to nurses not using alcohol on the IV lumens before injecting meds or connecting solutions. It allows pathogens into the blood stream.

I am so upset, I really believe the hospital didn't do what it was suppose to. When they put her in the ICU, the doctor told us that if she could hold on for 24 hours the antibiotics would kick in and she should be ok. UGh....they should have started them the day before when she went to the hospital with the fever in the first place. This wouldn't have happened.

Now my mom's birthday is coming up, just three days before mother's day and it's all starting to hit me again. I have been avoiding this for so long, just went straight back to school full force because I couldn't sit home, it would leave me too much time to think. I have not even been to her grave since her funeral. I know I would just loose it.

I'm sorry this is so long, I just needed to get this out.
No body knows how much this affects me. My friends said I was so strong, they could not believe I could go straight back to school and do so well. Yet, they have no idea what I was and am feeling inside.