I am tired and grumpy and stressed and will probably be spending the next week at the library while I try to get three essays all done in 7 days. And yet it's all my fault for being so disorganized and lazy in the first place. I can't afford any really bad days coming my way (I don't have TIME to be out of commission!) but I'm sure they will because school has got me in such a bad headspace. I'm not remotely interested in my major but I'm stuck with it for another two years -- another two years of slogging through work that I don't find hard, just totally uninteresting. Which makes me put it off even more, because I can't concentrate very well on things I'm not engaged in. I got into this course because I thought it was a good career move, but that was stupid, I should have just gone into English like I wanted. Ugh. I can't believe I'm going to waste four whole years of my life and a ton of money on this -- why why WHY?! I know I'm smart -- which I don't mean to sound pretentious, it's just that if I had to write a list of things I found relatively decent about myself, it's that I'm smart and I've never found school particularly hard, which has been a blessing in a way because I have this weird way of switching into autopilot on schoolwork even when the depression is really bad, so my grades don't suffer too much -- and I know I can do this, so it's not like I'm stressed in an I'm-going-to-fail kind of way. I just want a BREAK. I just want something DIFFERENT. I just want to CARE about what I'm doing, just for one SECOND. I'm so jealous of my friends who are so completely into what they're doing, who are so absorbed by their coursework and can talk about it at length outside the classroom and who can come out of lectures saying, "That was so COOL!" I can't remember the last time I said that about any of my courses. I have no idea how I'm going to make it through two more years of this stuff; I've always been good at it, but I can't remember a time when I actually cared, and now I feel TRAPPED. Everyone else is as stressed as I am -- that's what happens at crunch time -- but at least they've got their interest in their courses holding them together. Every second I spend doing this stuff I'm struggling against it. AAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHH.

I'm sorry for the explosion, I just really needed to vent. Five more weeks. Five more weeks and it'll all be over ...