Raceka,
There is a lot that could be said - but there is a very strict ruling on what can be posted around the issues of religion. I would be more than happy to PM you if you want - you can PM me. I have a graduate certificate in interfaith from seminary and have experienced many different types of spirituality and done a lot of study. There are also various social groups that delve into these topics that you may want to explore. In the time being, i would say read everything you can get your hands on about God (in any and all faiths) as well as healing that major wound. Like you say, it doesn't matter how many times people tell you "the truth", you don't believe it. That wound is still too much of a gaping maw. You might even try just starting up a conversation with God... like talking to a potential friend (a stranger you don't know). Just saying "Hi, how's it going?" daily would be a start to healing that wound. Wishing you the best... feel free to PM me. Kiya