This was the kind of response I said I wanted when T mentioned the fake it till you make it comment. To my T credit...she did not just ignore this response. She said, "then maybe you should have just told him that you don't know how you feel at the moment and that you are really trying to figure this out."

I also want to be clear that my T never said to Fake it with my body. IT IS ME who takes comment said in therapy to this extreme. I think it is a self-punishment thing or something. She said the Fake it comment when we were discussing the things I said to H during the drawing exchange. I said that I tried to get in touch with how I was feeling during the exchange and only found emptyness inside. So my reaction to this void of all feelings, was to respond how I thought I should respond. That's when she made the Fake it comment and talked about repeatedly saying stuff until you eventually feel it.



This is how the exchange felt to me. Any most other closer interactions

I think you are right... my actions are taking there toll on me.

H is really trying... I am really trying. But it seems like there is just too much mental and physical crap going on to reconnect. I need to uncouple these responses somehow. But I don't know how, there is too many of them and the connections are so complex.

I worry a lot about this. I don't think it is that I don't care deeply for him, because I do. I really want him to be happy and get what he needs. I even want to be able to give it to him. I just want to be genuine and I want to feel good about giving it. I want the ...your a cold self-centered B**** and the evil, little ***** loops and the body reactions that going along with these loops to stop. And I can't seem to figure out how to do it.