Pat,

I have always considered myself a very artistic soul. I'm not really "professional" in any artistic area, but I dabble here and there To me, things that I create pretty much always have deep meaning and symbolism. I believe that a piece of my soul becomes part of every creation, very literally. I like to create things to give to others especially, as a way of honoring them and connecting to them. I put a LOT of thought and heart into gifts that I make for people.

I used to sing and act quite a lot. I enjoyed performing because for me it was at times an avenue of escape from who I am, and at other times an avenue for the unencumbered expression of emotions that I-- as myself-- am often too inhibited to put out there. I would channel my own emotions sort of through the experience of the character, and that seemed to make me a better performer as well as give me a chance to express.

Singing, well it's hard to explain what that does. It's just another medium of passionate expression for me, I guess. There's something about the feeling of really belting a song out that can often give incredible release, inspiration, and a deepening of the emotional experience I'm having. Often when I am feeling something and I just want to walk through that feeling and take it all in, I look for a song that mirrors where I'm at emotionally, and I just let it fill my soul.

I also draw and paint (but not well! lol!). Generally, I do this when I have something very important I need to express to myself, or sometimes to my therapist, that I cannot possibly put into words. I am not good at capturing it in picture either, but better than words. And the rest I have to leave up to my therapist's ability to interpret and feel what I mean. This has been an important tool in my therapy. Many of the things I have processed have been beyond the reach of my words, and my therapist and I work with images a LOT even in session. If I can't tell her how I feel by describing words, I work to form a mental image and I describe that to her. This works because we are both very imaginative/imagistic people. We speak the same language. It may sound strange or trite, but some of the images that I have in my heart and mind are actually treasured posessions to me, because they say what words cannot. That matters to me. I respect it, and I hold it very close to my heart. It's essential to who I am. I also like to draw things that represent me on a spiritual/symbolic level. I draw the progress I am making toward recovery, I draw who I am, I draw how I see myself (whether accurate or distorted), and how I feel.

I also write a LOT of poetry normally. I haven't for a while, but poetry is a huge outlet for me. That's where I really try and pull the heart and the mind together. I used to post some in cc, but I haven't for a very long time. Sometimes my poems are romantic, sometimes they're just silly, sometimes they are really angry (I do anger best on paper- where it's not as threatening), sometimes they're just trite to tell you the truth. But I love it. I love to share my poetry and hear about what it makes people feel- particularly when someone relates to it personally. That's a great feeling. I also like to pour my secrets out in poetry, sometimes very plainly and other times buried in metaphor so I can speak it without really speaking it and having my secret really told I love it when I write something and somebody else takes it in a completely different direction that I never meant and maybe even that doesn't fit me at all, but works for them. Then I feel like my poem is sort of a shared creation. It feels like a bond to that person.

Lately I've been into beadwork. I really prefer doing beadwork for someone else, and it truly is a labor of love. I've done a couple of things for my therapist. Made her a pair of beaded moccasins, and a picture made completely out of beads that represents her individually as well as the role of a therapist. It takes a LOT of time. I find it very soothing. Beading is a time to unwind and focus on something, but not so much that it consumes all my energy. I like to let my mind wander off as I keep my fingers busy. I like to make patterns with different shaped beads and watch the creation unfold: because often it's not as I'd pictured it would be (which is usually good but not always). Beadwork helped me avoid self-injury MANY times. It helps me feel grounded rather than dissociative sometimes. Othertimes, it's something I can do while dissociating- which sometimes is necessary for my psychological survival!

I don't know if this is what you were looking for...