Hi,
This is my first post and I need help. I think a little history would be helpful to the group. I am a devorced father of 3. My 2 oldest children are grown and off to college.......they left once they turned 188 to be with thier mother who offered them a free lifestyle. I'm a typical father I feel with rules and boundries.......I know that i am strict compared to my friends and how they treat their children. I have part time custody of my 10 year old son who is a well behaved intelligent young man. I love him dearly!
I met a woman 4 years ago now and we have been dating ever since. My carreer takes me abroad often. I am not able to spend as muhc time as I would like with her due to my work and job repsonsiblities. She has 4 children and a husband she has been seperated from for 4 years now. They are not pursuing a divorce on either side. She states that she does not want to lose her medical benefits which I understand totally. Her children are completely different than mine. My children have never dne drugs to my knowledge, stolen things, been drinking underage.(Im sure college changed that) but again not on my watch. They are respectful young adults. Her children have run the gmabit of dirnking as early as 13-14 yo......drugs and even seeling drugs and furnishing them to their underage siblings and their friends. I certainly express my concerns when my GF tells me these problems but have never ever addressed her children.
I have kept my GF from my home and not introduced my children especially my youngest to her or her children mostly due to these exterme differences. I wouldnt involve them wiht people llike this out of fear of them being influenced.
Form the very begining I have been very clear about not wanting to mix children and families. I feel my youngest will eventually go with his mother and then it would not be an issue. My GF has resented this and taken it personally even though I repeatedly tell her that I want to have a llife with her and not iinclude our children sinc ei feel it is hard enough these days wth out bringing the children and their drama.
I have always been very clear about my devotion, love and respect to her and have never ever done anything to break that. My only crime mostly is that I am not available as often as she would like. The worst case would be seeing her for an hour on her lunchtime one week and then seeing her a few other times the next week. There is no real patteren or reaosn other than my commitments to my son and work.
I have worked to build a decent life for myself and unfortunately that does involve having a job that offers me the security. She has never had a problem really until now I guess. We have gone away together a few times for a long weekend. I owned a large boat that we used and I even morred in in her town which is 1.5 hours away from me. I did this because we could see each other more often that way. I got rid of the baot due to fuel cost and we purchsed a camper. She purchased the camper and I paid for the seasonal campground fee. The fee was more than the camper. I would tent camp while she used the camper and then once my little guy would go to sleep we would sit around the campfire and enjoy being together. I purchased a brand new camper much larger in hope we could use it the same way. She got very upset and felt slighted that i did this with out her. we had looked one weekend together but I traded my boat in whihc was a $60,000. boat into this new camper. I felt that it made sense since we didnt use the boat any longer and the cmaping seemed somethng she enjoyed. She wuld go on weekend to the campground with her children and whomever she wished to be there. I had hoped the new camper would be used the same way yet the 1st time we took it together it became a disater. her fellings were so hurt that I had bught this new camper with out including her. It seems that even thought I did what i thought would benefit us in the long run was just taken the wrong way. I still own the camper and she sold the other one for more than she paid.......so she isn't out any money. had she lost money i would have given her the difference. I have no idea wha will happen with cmping this year now.
The real problme is that over the past month there has been arguments that mostly stem out of her being lonely. I have sucggested she join a club, organization etc. She has an interest in cake decorating and I offered to pay for classes that she can take. I thought that would be something she enjoyed. Her child that lvies with her is disresctful to her and leaves ever friday and does not retunr until monday mornings usually. She goes and stays with her father who quite frankly could care less this youn girl is there. I know it is difficult for my gf since she clearly was an excellent mother to all her children but those days have erodded into argumentive children who are too much for her to handle.
2 years ago I spent a great dela of time searching for a ring that i thought was fitting for her. I treated it mostly as a commitment ring if there is such a thing...it is a diamond solitare however the day I wanted to propose to her I relaly want to give her a bue diamond. I think they are unique and I would want her to now that is the way I feel about her.
Anyway.......she now is going out on saturday night to bar rooms. She has a few times before over the past 4 years and mostly gets drunk and doesnt recall even speaking to me. She says she recalls this or that but doesnt recall other things. It had been an issue before whihc I felt we resloved. I don't go to bars at all.....I dont socialize with the "boys" or anything remotely like that. I simply have no desire to do this since I feel a bar is just trouble when you are in a committed relationship. 3 saturdays ago she went out......I feeling insecure called and got her upset. while I reluctantly told her to please go back iside and have fun it tore me up inside. We had several more calls during the night and each was me apologizing and asking her to fogive me for being immature........we talked about it as recently as this past thurday.....where she again admited to me that due to the affects of alcohol she didnt trust herself since she did not recall out conversations especially the last where she told me...." I will go out when I want,,,,,,,,I will see who I want, ,,,,,,and I will tlak to whoever I want,,,,,,,unless you are willing to be that person sitting there with me I dnt feel it is fair of you to say anything.
She told me this thrusday that she owuld just not be going to bar room anymore since she had tried to give it another try and that clearly she cant mix a relaitonship with this type of social llife.
This past saturday night she was ocne again in the same bar with probably the same people.
There is obvioulsy more to the story but would take a book.
My stomach is sick over this....my heart is broken totally broken. I can not get rid of everythng I own and get rid of my responsibilites quick enough to try to be a better person for her. I fault myself and my life for all that has happened and have no idea what to do........
Can anyone please help me......I feel I have met a perosn in my life I would spend an enternity with however I dont think she feels the same way unless I conform to her wishes. What are the rules when dating and a distance relationship? Is it wrong for me to feel apprehensive? How do I get over my feleings of being a total failure with her and how do I let her know my devotion so she doesnt seek it in a bar room?

Please? Anyone?

I'm sorry for the length of this letter.