I can't get rid of the drugs, I do need them...I would try to otherwise.

I have no songs posted on youtube yet.. But I guess I can post links when I have FINALLY done them. It wasn't that the broken guitar string was unbearable... It was just the fact that everything built up and it meant I couldn't get the videos done that I'd promised myself and others I'd get done and I found out I've caught nits from someone here again and people being *****y and nasty and grrrrrr!!!! I hate it! I don't want to live here anymore, all the staff are pressuring me to be an amazing role model.. i knwo I'm already a good role model, so what if I dropped out of college?! It doesn't mean I LIKE being a bum. In fact I friggin' hate it!! I got so depressed over the weekend, feeling like a fat lazy s**t, that I just sat on my own brooding and then when people came to see me, I tried to cheer up but I couldn't. I just felt so lazy and sick and... Yuck!

I get the jist of what that poem means. I do try and take different paths everytime I do something, every time I try to improve my life... I'm just so fed up of failing at everything

My eating's gone way off the rails, I'm starving on and off and even when i do eat I'm restricting heavily.. It's getting to the point that if I try to eat, I just feel sick and stuffs... It's not good and I know it's not good but I just can't help it. I'm losing weight and Connor says I'm getting thinner and it's just... I don't know. It's just something I've always felt I need to do... Lose weight fast...

Sigh. Gaaaahhhh! Now I've been chosen to be the "judge" of a ready steady cook thing taht's going on at the foyer I live in. Charlene picked me to be a judge, so it means I hAVE to eat the food. Luckily, though... It's not unhealthy stuff... But it involves pasta!!!! I'm scared now. But it's not until next week...

I think I've been drinking about 6 days in a row now... :/ I won't be drinking tongiht, or up until Wednesday at the least, so I guess that's good. The sun's out today so I'm feeling a little better, just really tired and such.

I wish it could just get easier... Without so much pushing and shovin and sweat and tears