I do stand up for myself now... I never used to do it, but I do now... I've learnt how to stand up for myself, don't ask me how... But somehow it just came to me that if I felt something wasn't right I had to stand up for it and other such stuff...

I knwo I have boundary issues, i guess it's because I care about others so much and so little about myself.. I don't know. I'm just guessing. I feel like I know nothing about myself.. I feel like such a fricken' retard. I hate it. I feel dumb and stupid and like a little kid.

I know what's going on between me and others, I know what I need... I just don't know hwo to enforce boundaries. i feel guilty if I don't help others as much as I used to, I feel like others will hate me more.

I know now that the reason so many people dislike me is because they envy tha fact that i care about others so much, the fact that I'm trusted with anything and everything, including other peoples' money and deepest, darkest secrets, the fact that I seem to have it so easy... No, I don't... Charlene was really helpful last night. I stuck up for her when others were threatening to throw a tv at her and she stuck up for me when those others gave me crap. She said "leave Kirsten out of this, she's nothing to do with it, yeah she's taken my side and is sticking up for me, but you shouldn't be getting others on her back. She's had and has still got, enough s**t to deal with so leave her out of it. She doesn't need your s**t." Which was nice on my part. It was nice to know that people will stick up for me, or acknowledge that I've got a lotta crap to sort through and deal with.

I just hate this place so much... I've had so much crap given out to me in this place and now people are pressurising me and giving me crap and just really getting to me at the moment. I just want to get out of this place, be free, able to sdo what I want, how I want and when I want. Maybe then I'd be so much less depressed and feel free and able to live my life. Maybe then i wouldn't be here complaining all teh friggin' time. I'm sick of this place, I'm sick of this life, I'm sick of everything in my life at the moment, apart from the people that care and love me... I'm sick of feeling lazy and fat and ugly. I'm sick of hating myself.

So why can't I Just Change It??

I don't know. No-one here'll help me move out, maybe? No-one here is actually supporting my plans? No-one is actually confirming that my plans are great plans? Even though I know they are... Because they're right for me... Grrrrrr. Hate it!!!!