Tmac

You loved your brother. Then he did what he did and that changed your relationship with him forever. I was absued by an uncle and my brother as a child. My uncle died and the only thing I felt was glad. He wasn't a blood relative and he was a predator.

With my brother, well I have recently decided to cut off contact with him and his family. My feelings for him are more complicated. Like you I hate what he did and how it changed and hurt me. One of the ways it changed and hurt me was by wrecking our relationship. So there is a part of me that still feels the love I had for him as the little sister BEFORE it happened. Then there is the anger and hurt for what happened and everything that came after - none of which was my fault, or yours.

Your confusion in your feelings is because of what he did. That doesn't mean you didn't love him. Your feelings of grief and sorrow over his death are valid. As are your feelings of wanting him dead for all the pain and anger he's caused you. Give yourself permission to feel ALL your feelings, even when they seem contradictory. It's his fault you are feeling this way. It's okay to love him and hate him, he brought that on himself by his actions. Don't take it our on yourself.