I know that I feel like my Adoptive Family and my Twin will think badly of me/love me less/hate me more/make others hate me more if I meet my own needs first - or if I meet them at all... I know that's a problem. I know i need to address it, but it's just how to address it and change it... I can see that I'm starting to accept that my needs are sometimes more important than others and that I need to put myself first more than I do. I'm getting there. I've started helping the people I normally help, less. Because I know that a lot of these people give me absolutely nothing back...

I'm glad I'm not the only one that's feeling emotionally like a 5 year old.. I guess I feel more like a 10 year old because that's when the real crap started, but then again... I've had crap all my life, so I don't know what age I feel... I just know I go back to being a 5 or 10 year old every now and then because of such big events happening there, I digress back to then when similar situations happen. Huh. I'm beginning to understand. I think.

I do think about them all the time, constantly... Always thinking about how I can change/improve the situation and other such stuff. My brain never stops whirring because I'm constantly thinking of ways to help myself or others and stuff like that.

Well... Yeah... Because I've always been told that my ideas/plans are stupid and that they'll get me nowhere in life... The first time I broke away from that was when I made the choice MYSELF of doing music at college. I know that was the right decision, but the wrong move there was my mental situation deteriorating. I wasn't to know it's get worse... Was I...? I'm making more decisions myself now that I live alone - or trying to - because I know that it's important to be able to do that. I have the right life skills, I have all of the life skills I need, it's just knowing whether I'm doing the right thing that gets me sometimes.

I am trying to move, but it's extremely difficult... I need to know exactly where I'm moving, when, view the place(s), have a deposit, have all my stuff packed up and ready to go in time, make sure I know I'll be okay completely on my own (which by now... I KNOW I'll be fine, with friends to call and such when I need) I just know it's this place that's depressing me even more and I'm being broken down even more every day by it. It's just the fact that no-one's helping me to move... I mean... Who in the World expects a 17 year old to just be able to move out as simply as that? To move into their own flat and know exactly where they're moving etc.

I expect, though.. That with me being with Connor, he'll stay with me for the first few nights, just to make sure that I feel safe in my new place, which I'm sure I will away from everything that's happened... Especially if tomorrow, I can finalise getting my dog's Birth papers... I'll be able to have her living with me then and I'll feel much safer, emotionally stable, happy and like I can finally live my life again with someone to love who truly loves me (as well as Connor of course) who can be there with me whenever I need them (unlike Connor) Ahhh. The prospect... Just thinkiung about it... Makes me feel like there will be a better future if i can just hold on and get all this Doggy business sorted.

I'm worried. Worried that everything'll go wrong. But I'm also thinking 'It'll be okay. We'll figure something out, we'll find a way. We'll get there somehow' and I never normally think like that. Of course, the worry overpowers the calm, but I'm getting there!

Today has started badly, but ended brilliantly! The sun was shining, I did a mammoth gym session, I found out I've lost 5kg, everyone's been helpful/nice to me today, I've helped someone go shopping on a budget and keep within their budget and start to eat more healthily (she eats junk - loaaaads of it and is overweight). I was a little depressed and angry, but I feel so much better now. A good scream does the trick along with a harsh gym session from time to time. I feel exhausted, but slightly elated. I love that feeling and I'm amazed at the weight loss :/ but that was done in less healthy ways... But for now, that doesn't matter. I will be eating tonight... I'm just loving this elated feeling and the tenseness is started to flow out of my muscles. It's wonderful. I may still be a little tense and stressed, but... Like everything else! I'm getting there!

I will update you tomorrow. I have baked potato to coook for my friend and I and some chilling to do. YES! CHILLING!!!