Quote:
Originally Posted by Junerain
I connected with 3 high school friends on the facebook site tonight truly connected deeply...poured out the story of my life to them, in all its pain, all its merciless uprooting of a normal teenage girl they knew me as to SUDDEN and utter madness of awaking in the psychiatric wing at the age of nineteen...
I told them of the pain of exactly how each employer that chose to fire me did just that, pulled me to the back rooom to say something was different about my expression, my voice, I was too damn strange and they were firing me on the spot....................
By the twenty-eighth time that happened I began to lose hope in society NOT MYSELF
The fifty- ninth employer had no problem with me, I was actually his best worker in the whole three years I worked there. Always doing extra things to help etc etc
My family hated me, hated my illness.
The pressure in this town, the richest of all the suburbs to be something not only successful but madly successful is too much to handle for any one soul...
My mother would scream at me that I was delusional weakling, that I would amount to nothing etc etc
So these friends they go to church and they urged me to do the same, they said I must have saw how my family was and chose to be different.
I have not talked to my mother in 2 months and she's finally getting the picture.
Her superficiality runs deep, don't know if I ever could have a real talk with her.
Other family members blaming me.
My mother denies she ever said anything.
She seems to hate anything real, any true personality, true eccentricity, if you are emotional she will attack you verbally.
What place do I have for her in my life? My friends are deep people. I always loathed talking to her anyway. Part of me enjoys that I have hurt her, the way she hurt me over and over.
Am I blaming her for my illness? I am angry about my illness! I felt my high school friends reaching out to me, and that felt true and real. I have been crying tears of a life lost to the illness. Thirty-three years of emptiness I cannot even begin to describe. An emptiness so black and bleak, I used to stare at the clock and pray to God it would move faster as time itself seemed the enemy of all enemies..
I see my friend's pictures on facebook, and they have families now, have peace with God, have simple things to talk about, not complex.
I feel them reaching out to me yet all I can feel is bitter jealousy.
I see exactly what this illness IS and it's ****ing ugly.
I can go about my day and yes I can appreciate that the worst is over, that I have had my latest job for another three years and that I do not appear strange anymore, I have honed it down.
I guess these days one can be put in jail for being strange, for my 1st thirty-three yeasr were jail, a mental jail, a mental preparing for exactly how they would fire me next.
It feels good to cry, to let these things come to the surface.
certain people still try to pigeonhole me, to keep things surface when things run deep.
I hate the superficial people in the world.
My childhood friends were reaching out to me tonight, and I wonder why it is too much to ask for the average person.
I see people walk right past someone that has fallen and hurt themselves, I see apathy, I see arrogance, I see people who never struggled for anything.
This kind of hate eats me up each day...no one shares how they FEEL one has to go about this world with thick skin, with a cold heart, with selfish distance from the next person, who is actually sitting right next to you.
There is nothing I can do about how severe my illness once was. Nothing. I feel and seem 100% better.
But part of me knows I can never get those screams of wanting my life back to silence.
I have been cutting out people in my life, one by one, informing them of their shortcomings.
Am I too ideal?
I sit here and the last tears have left my eyes, ready to put the mask on and go on pretending.
That's all life is, pretending.
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Hey Junerain, even though you are feeling crappy now I'm glad that you reconnected with some friends. I hope they continue to be there for you. I know at times it seems that people have emotional ADD & can fade as quickly as they offer support.
As for your mom calling you a "weakling". That is an out of touch comment with the reality of her daughter. Anyone that continues to pick themselves up after all the rejection you faced from your employment efforts shows strength & tenacity. I experienced alot of physical violence when I was younger. The bruises heal, it's the emotional scars that can cripple. I know for me persoally I have to fight hard to not let rejection cripple me.
I really think you are doing the right thing by not having communication with you mom right now. I know that might seem like a counter-intuitive thing to say that not to reconsile with her. I don't mean never, who knows what might happen in the future. I know it's hard but don't seek her approval. Live YOUR life...not the cookie cutter image that was pre-designed for you.
I know EXACTLY how you feel about society. This reminded me of a time this past fall. I had car trouble, it was a COLD rain outside. I've stopped plenty of time to help people out. I started to grab my cell phone to call my wife...then I decided to get out & set on the hood of the car to see if anyone would think to stop...I sat out for a half hour, in heavy traffic & not a single person even slowed down...I got back in the car & once my fingers were no longer numb, I called my wife & a tow truck.
I've also cut many people out of my life over the years. It can hurt especially if you are someone who gets emotionally invested in people. I disconnected from a childhood friend when he was arrested for stachitory(spell?) rape. I had small kids & even if I felt safe I knew that the risk outweighed the reward of the friendship. I poured thousands of dollars into helping a friend that had drinking problems even letting him be an assistant coach on a basketball team I coached to give him something to make a fresh start & turn his life around. I cut the friendship after he showed up to practice drunk & tried to con me into letting him drive my car. You ARE making the right choice to cut people loose that are no good for you. The fact that you are willing to do this also shows your mom is wrong about you being a weakling...this is not an easy thing to do.
I can understand how you feel about the pressure of expectations especially in a richer sect of society. While I was raised in poverty & I am living in it now, I have had good paying jobs lived in some of the nicer parts of town as well. Generally speaking, it was a very artifical society to me. It's about titles, who you know & what sparkly things you have.
I've always said the only use I have for money is the freedom it allows you to have in a society that worships it. I know not all people that are well off financially are shallow & self absorbed & while I do not consider myself traditional in terms of religion but I do feel that money along with power are the root of all evil. When we are gone you can't take cash with you & it will do you no good in the next life & in fact, while this may be a little morbid, wealthier people have a worse stinch to them at death than most people that die in poverty...o.k. maybe that's a little dark but it's real so I'll keep that in the post
I don't understand a world where your seen as odd or eccentric for an inability to be fake. But in many ways we are living in this type of society right now. As you know, employment can be a way this rears it's ugly head. While, I've never been fired from a job...that was only because I could fake it for a while then I put myself in positions to be hard to replace. Now though, the problem I personally have in looking for work is I just can't fake it. It seems they want people that have no goals & feel that they could not ever do better than the position your applying for. When I talked to a career coach about this, they said do what everybody else does...lie. I know it feels like life is nothing but a sick game at times & we are nothing but pons to be moved like a puppet on a string.
Keep your head up, you have plenty of value in this world. The people that fail to realize it will someday wish they had you there when their life crumbles. And from what I've learned about you since I've been here you are not a weakling. Also, keep in mind having a "weak" moment does not make you a weakling either.
I don't know if this helps or if I'm rambling but I feel the sincerity & honesty in your words & very much appreciate that & am always here to listen & help where ever I can.