(((((((((Tmac))))))))) I'm very sorry you are going through all this...but it is definintely not your fault. Pomegranate said it very well. I felt the exact same way when my abuser got sick and did till the day he died and even still today. Parts of me will always love him and parts of me will always hate him...but most of me just doesn't feel anything at all for him. He isn't worth it to me. No matter what....you didn't cause any of this...it was all him and don't forget that. You are strong enough to make it through this!