My son is 14 now and he is almost a stranger........I do not understand the language they use(when did the english language become such a pariah?), I cannot comprehend the struggles they face and I suffer strong contempt when my son tries to communicate with me. Grunts, "whatevers", cynicism, arguments over everything and basic disdain for all things family. Normal teenage behaviour, maybe.......but it terrifies me.

I had a horrible childhood and ended up in my first psychiatrists office at the tender age of 15. My parents were going through divorce because my mother fell in love with someone else and my parents 25 year marriage ended. I was a good student so I didn't rebel, I just folded in on myself. My headmaster was the one to bring it to my parents attention. Even the priest and nuns at my school tried to help me. I was head of the liturgical committee so I had a lot of contact with them. I had an abusive past with my mother and my father was oblivious so there was a lot more in play than just a divorce.

So I became a dysfunctional adult. Had my mother let me keep getting help at 15, I may not have suffered so much but she was terrified about the psych discovering "secrets" I am sure. And so she had it over me again and pulled me out of therapy. I went through years of dual dx mental illness and raised a son single handedly.

Now I look at my son and wonder, how have you suffered through all of this? My sons father committed suicide on Xmas day, 2008 and his mother has battled mental illness for years. Gosh, what hope does the child have? He is well, loves animals, has a good social conscious and does well at school(if we motivate him), he has good friends and laughs a lot.

But I am surrounded by children who shoot their class mates, take drugs, set themselves of fire and post it on You Tube, get into drunken brawls with the police, no less and have unsafe sex. I wonder, am I a parent that didn't see it coming? Why couldn't my son talk to me? Have I become so vigilant in my protection of him, my observations that I cannot let go for fear that he may suffer as i have done? I have broken the abuse cycle. I have never sworn at my son, called him stupid, told him that I should have had an abortion, hit him over the head with whatever was closest or locked him in a cupboard.

But is that enough? I know I did the best I could raising him in poverty and mentally ill, but I wonder if he is worn down. Sometimes his eyes just look plain contemptuous and empty when I talk to him. I have told him that if I or my partner cannot provide the support he needs, then a professional will be brought in. I do not want to frighten him because he is not mentally ill.........but i am frightened that if I just relax a little, he will be in hell before i can see it happening. Self-fulfiiling prophecy? maybe.

And so it goes round and round.........I shall see the answer soon enough. I just have to batten down the hatches, stick to my guns(which I have always been good at doing) and hold and comfort my son, mentally and physically even if he fights me and have the courage to step in when and if he needs it. I am sure he will hate me for it. Sometimes I catch a glimpse of his height and growing body and maturing face and I am breathless at his beauty. My beautiful, intelligent son. My baby in my arms as a toddler is now becoming a man and i am overwhelmed with pride. I look at him and wonder how I could create such majesty.

I only hope i can do his majesty justice.........