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Originally Posted by Sannah
You never know what your husband is willing to do until you talk to him about it.
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I know. But I don't want his help!
Maybe it is just pride; maybe its because he is not trustworthy at times (he has good intentions but when angry he will use what he knows to attack and discredit me); maybe i just still feel very ashamed of my past; maybe I am just being an idiot...
If I ask for his help then I am going to have to explain things and I just do not want to talk about things with him. He has no idea about what my childood was like and from what I gather his was VERY different. I don't want him judging me or asking me questions. I HATE when I draw attention to myself--I just want to be left alone sometimes. I'm having enough trouble letting my T in enough to assist me. I want to address and heal from this myself. If I could just crawl into a closet, close the door, curl up in a little ball, read a bunch of self-help books on recovery, and work all this out on my own I would be SOOOOO happy.
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In this trauma reaction does the triggering go in between the hypervigilance and the constriction?
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Some things that I find triggering are not related to intimacy but instead are health related and he cannot do anything about them. And I haven't been able to find a way for me not to respond to them the way I do. I've talked to my T about this but.... I guess there is nothing that can be done to help me with this.
Other things are specifically related to CSA I think these are things that lead to the hyperarousal cascade. I also think my ADHD plays a role in amplifying this. My nervous system is REALLY sensative so little things like smell, touch, texture, sounds can quickly overwhelm me and I withdraw either physically or mentally.
I agree that one piece of the puzzle is to take steps to reduce the hyperarousal. This is where I thought the body-orientation therapy idea might help me. From what I can get from just reading about it... it seems like a major component of this approach is getting you more aware of what your feeling, to hang in there and not just dissociate, and instead be able to
distinguish sensations and learn to differenciate the past from the present. If I could get myself more comfortable feeling and tolerating safe-touch it might make me less fearful of it, and it might not be so hyper and easily overwhelmed. Maybe the stimuli wouldn't feel so overwhelming and would be overall more managable. IDK, maybe I am just totally off-base here.
Contriction comes when I start to be come overwhelmed and fearful of being unable to move or free myself or I get nervous that I will not remain in control of myself or what is being done to me. In my abuse situation...things were just fun and games until...things got heated, I wanted to stop.... but my abuser did not, and I was quickly overpowered and violently force to continue. I was caught off guard because I was little and didn't understand what what happening. Now I know exactly what is happening and the energy associated with this part of an encounter (no matter how I felt about the encounter going into it) is always very scary for me-- I don't like it! (My body cells are ossilating at a higher frequency just typing about it.) After this I just want to get away.
I do dissociate to varying degree to give myself some space and to reduce the intensity of the stimuli. However, I think I do this too much and ...guess I just want the benefits of staying and enjoying the ride. Unfortunately, I can seem to handle it at the moment.
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Why do you fear negative emotions?
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Because I don't like the feelings associated with being a dirty firthy *****. I guess it is just a reflexive reaction to pain. It it hurts...don't do it.
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Watching from afar sounds like not being fully integrated.
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I've never been told that I am dis-integrated, but thats how I feel.