I relapsed again, and in a big way. I went on a four day bender. I even called in sick last thurs and fri so I could stay home and drink. then I drank this morning, so I went into work drunk. Thank God my boss didn't notice. I didn't eat. I didn't take my meds, so now on top of coming off the drink, I'm also dealing with heavy duty meds withdrawl. I know I drove drunk to restock. It was stupid and dangerous. Frankly I'm lucky I didn't kill myself. I know drinking is seriously bad for me and this time, I risked my health my job and killing someone. I don't know why I can't just get it and stay stopped. It's like part of me likes the chaos, and wants to mess up my life just as it's getting good. I have a self destructive streak a mile wide and if it's not acting out in one way it's another. I know this latest episode was at least partly triggered by something that came up in T last week, but seriously I know I can't drink. But obviously I'm getting something out of it, as I keep going back to it.

I am seriously pissed off at myself. I am not looking forward to calling my sponsor and telling her, and I don't know how I'm going to tell my addictions Dr.

And to top it all off I feel like serious hell.

No need for support - what I could use is a few good kicks up the rear for realities sake.

---spliitmage