rant sry

i just wonder of all this pain is worth it. if i try to push forward and progress, it kills me. if i don't, it kills me. no matter what i do, what i try, it will hurt. the sting, the burn, the feelings don't go away. the pain doesn't go away.

is it worth it? i don't know. i realize how messed up i am and how much i have to push forward. it's not fair. it's not fair that i was born into hell, born into a past i will never be able to escape and i have to deal with the consequences of all of that every day of my life. it's not fair that i have to jump at the shadows and fear the dark, that i have to scream when i hear certain sounds and throw up when i think about certain things, that i have to curl up and hide when i feel their sick hands smothering me again

i've always felt alone but it hits me harder and harder. i see how isolated i am. i try to reach out but it doesn't matter- i don't have people who miss me when i am gone, i don't have the comfort i need. i don't have real friends, i don't feel real. i'm learning such basic things, or trying to: trust, friendship, basic things that any child would know... i'm an adult and i'm learning to be human. it's pathetic and sad. it's depressing how ****ed up i am.

moving forward, progress, i know i'm whining sorry but i need to. flashbacks hit bad. truth hits bad. people i used to know all moved onw ithout me. i really am alone pretty much. thank god i have kate.

it all hits bad. sorry to post.