I don't know what to do with myself. I began feeling a tiny bit better over the past month or so. But now, for seemingly no reason, the depression is back.
It never really went away. It was always there, hovering above me or lingering in the background...just there to remind me of it's presence it seemed.
I feel like I've slipped right back to where I was before I began taking meds again. And i don't know what to do about it.
I'm afraid that if i tell my counselor, she's going to suggest I attend the outpatient program. I don't want to, been there, done that. And I know they didn't like me and probably found me frustrating. And it'll probably be worse a second time around.
I'm also scared that if it's recommended and I don't go, I'll be dropped from counseling and my meds for lack of compliance or something. And, i'm afraid of being locked up.
I just don't know what to do anymore. I'm tired of fighting this. I'm tired of telling myself it'll go away, it's temporary, things will get better and etc. It all seems to be a bunch of lies. And, I used to think the point in all this was just to get through it. Now, I'm not so sure what the point is.
I'm tired of forcing myself to do everything. Everything is so exhausting. And my stupid thoughts just won't go away. I've tried "jolting" them away by changing activities, walking, music, whatever. Nothing helps. It's like continuous loop in my head.
this is ridiculous.
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