I don't let people in because I am terrified of the immanent rejection. I'd rather be lonely, though neither option is good. I allowed myself to get close to someone, my best friend, because she reassured me she would not do this to me, and now she is. I feel like I can't even talk to her now, she's purposely leaving me out of things and ignoring how that might make me feel. I feel like she's trying to make me jealous with her other friendships on purpose, but I'm not jealous, I am hurt. I don't feel like I can ask her about this because I already know how she will react (based on her actions recently when I've tried to confront her). She will say I've overreacting or taking things too seriously or something.

As an example, I asked her why was she being so argumentative with me (in a way where I feel like an idiot by the end of every conversation) and she said she isn't, I'm just being too sensitive, and it's my own fault (not hers at all) if I feel like an idiot. She knows how my self esteem is, and has tried to convince me on many occasions that it is not my fault if rejection occurs (at least not only - both parties must accept their own actions and what happens) but now she's claiming it's all me and not at all her? But she KNOWS how I will blame myself anyway, and her reinforcement that it is my fault, I am a terrible friend, I'm a over-dramatic idiot, is what is pushing me over the edge now.

Why would I want to be friends with such a person you might wonder? But this is the person I trusted, and she knew what a leap that was for me, and she did care a lot. She would stay up crying for hours with me trying to help with my emotional (suicidal) pain. I don't know what I've done to make her change so drastically on me. I want to ask, but I can't. I know she'll just say I'm making a big deal out of nothing. I can't just let this friendship disappear, but I don't know what to do. I feel like maybe she's just sick of me. I know that dealing with someone who is chronically suicidal and depressed like me is not easy, so maybe she just wants this friendship over, but I don't know why she'd invest so much time in me, insisting that I'm not a bad person and that she doesn't want me to die if she's just going to let our friendship end in this way now?

Also, I have to say I am suicidal (not in a suicidal crisis, though) and though I wouldn't kill myself "because" of her, it's giving me a last straw sort of feeling. I don't want to be alone forever, and I feel like if I cannot trust her, I'm through bothering trusting anyone. She is just the most recent in a long line of people who have mysteriously become distant and cruel to me, and it's hard to believe it's not my fault (I'm the one thing all these people have in common). It's just so hopeless. My financial situation, job, lack of independence, lack of being able to finish college all compound onto this feeling of hopelessness, but now the feeling that there is truly no one that knows me personally who cares what will happen to me.. I don't know what to do.

I'm sorry this is so long and no one will probably read it anyway, but I'm just so alone and, as I've said, I don't know what to do.

(Also, I don't have a T, I can't afford therapy or any other doctor, no insurance, and the free mental health clinic in my area is not the least bit helpful. The T they gave me was insanely judgmental and when I asked to change to someone else they said they couldn't due to the high demand they have.)