Constriction comes when I start to be come overwhelmed and fearful of being unable to move or free myself or I get nervous that I will not remain in control of myself or what is being done to me.

Yes... I think this is trigger for me.. My mind-->body gets scared and prepared to fight to break free. I get very anxious because I am afraid that the situation is out of control and I will not be able to flee at any moment I feel like it. I've even had paranoid nightmare of being trapped under him and being crushed to death. I know this is totally silly, but paranoid thinking is not rationale thinking. I know some would suggest positional adjustments but... it doesn't seem to help... again as the energy elevates...its like my body absorbs it and I just get really hyper... shaky, the mental loop plays full blast. All I want to do is get away.

Yes I think this is a triggering event and not just being emotionally uncomfortable.



I think I could work on this a bit with him outside the bedroom. I think I am trying to do this with the hug and kiss as I leave for work. But really I think for safe-touch to feel safe to me it needs to be non-sexual and the objective of the touch is not for him to get off on. It is for me to be able to lower my guard and risk focusing IN on the sensation instead of distracting or moving my focus away from the touch. I think at this point for me to try and focus IN, I would need to be totally confident that it would not lead to sex or that it would be done not to try and arouse me. I'm not sure these conditions could be met by H. I think a MT or someone trained and skilled in providing this type of touch with strict boundaries might be better.

But then again... I would have to trust a total stranger. IDK...I've just been kicking around the Body orientation therapy idea. No one in my area seems to do this type of treatment and my T really isn't familiar with how the touch component is done. I was just thinking if she could teach me the different awareness exercises... then maybe I could lead myself through them during a standard massage treatment. Not sure if it would really work, not sure if it would really help me or not, not sure if I could actually get myself to do it.

Thanks Sannah for helping me think through and do the problem-solving piece that I seem needing. Your questions have been very helpful.