I do have a job but it's menial and minimum wage, so I can barely make the bills I need to pay already.

I do care for her, too, and that's why I feel so upset by this. I feel as though I have been a good friend to her, too, and I've apologized countless times for what I must put her through, but at the same time we have a lot of fun as friends, and it has all seemed mutual until now. Now she goes out of her way to not include me and then to later tell me about things she's done with other people, and she just doesn't seem to care.

Now, the reason this feels so last straw for me is that I DO live because of how it will hurt other people. I do not live for myself at all, and the pain of living for other people and then those people just not caring and giving up later, what's the point? Is it more important that I'm alive because people don't want me to die, but then those same people just go and abandon me later and I'm the one left in pain? Either way it seems selfish on someones part, and I hate feeling like I'm living for people who don't really care. I've worked hard to try and be happy with myself, but I'm not, and I won't be, so I don't know what else there is. I'm not saying this in suicidal crisis or anything, in case anyone reading thinks that. I'm not going to go off and kill myself right now, but it just intensifies my feelings of suicide ideation.