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Elysium · Apr 21, 2009, 07:37 PM

So I had an appt with my T today. It went fairly well. We talked about some goals for increasing my positive coping skills and decreasing my negative ones and we talked about my fear of people. And this morning when I woke up, I didn't think I had anything decent to talk about today!!

Fear....of people!! Yeah....my whole life growing up I was surrounded by people who would emotionally and psychologically violate me on a daily basis. I was spit on, tormented continuously, tripped, pushed, hair pulled, pinched, thrown into the mud, ignored, completely disregarded, called every name in the book, and treated like I was a disease. This was a daily event...and this was just school life.

Home was no better. Manipulated, berated, ignored, violated, physically attacked, emotionally attacked, spiritually attacked, hit...and the list can go on and on.

So now, is it any wonder that I am terrified to get close to people, or let others get close to me? I am so afraid!! Sure, I can have casual conversation and smile with anyone, but when it comes to trust and truly letting people in, it just won't happen. I love life, and I value people, but I HATE the evil things that human beings are capable of, and I HATE what human beings have done to me. It continues to hurt me and it disgusts me. I don't trust that people will not continue to treat me this way either. Why would they not treat me this way. If they were going to treat me well, why wouldn't they just do this from the beginning?

My T says that no one can do this for me, and that I have to plant the seed and grow it myself. But, honestly, how do you learn to trust people, when you have to trust people to learn how to trust them?

I come here, and I experience support and kindness that I have never known before, and I want to know....WHERE are all of you? Why do you only seem to exist inside my computer? Where do you all go when I open my door and step out into the world? Why can I not find you outside? Why do I feel like I have been locked outside of humanity, and what's the password to get in?

I don't get it.........