I am missing class. Again. And I'm probably not going to make the one I have in two hours either. I feel so bad. I feel so lazy. I could pass this off as depression but I can't see where the depression ends and my laziness begins. I can talk myself in circles. I'm depressed, it's okay if I need some down time. But I feel better about myself when I don't take the down time, and I've done it before so I should be able to get up and go again. I should be able to fight this off, but I can't be bothered. I'm just SO TIRED. I can't tell if it's depression or exhaustion anymore -- I have so much work to do, I don't sleep, which makes me tired, which puts me in a bad mood, which opens me up to the depression, which makes me more tired, which makes me put off work, which means I have to give up sleep to do that work ...

We have a stupid rule here -- miss three classes, and you can't take your exams (which basically means you fail). I've already been excluded from that rule -- there's no way someone with depression could ever handle missing less than three classes in a semester -- so my department knows I'm having health problems that mess with my attendence. When they eventually check the attendence records at the end of the semester I'm very likely to get an email from the head of my department once they realize how much time I've actually missed, and then it'll probably turn into a lot of meetings/emails to sort it out, which I'm not looking forward to. But what they don't know is that I could be trying harder. I could be fighting harder. I just don't want to. I'm too lazy and I don't care enough to be bothered. The only thing that gets me to go to class most days is guilt and the fear that my tutors are going to hate me and think I'm just being lazy for never showing up (which I am, so I wouldn't blame them). The depression isn't nearly as bad as it was -- I COULD get up, I just don't want to. Why don't I want to? What is wrong with me? I HATE this. I hate myself for giving in. I hate myself for not having the willpower to go to class. Every little thing defeats me. Today's reason for not turning up to class is that I have to have a shower before I leave, and it's going to take me a good hour before I feel remotely ready to haul myself into the shower. I have been defeated by my inability to get into the shower. I'm pathetic. Ugh.