Ummm. Not really, no. Just someone to keep me company when I don't want to be alone. :-/

Thanks for your reply beads.

I had my first SWEDA counselling appointment today...

It wasn't as scary/bad as I thought it'd be, but I still managed to pick at my fingers and fiddle a lot because I was so nervous!

Sian did challenge me quite a bit, like when I said that everyone else is right and I'm always wrong and that's what I've always believed, she said; "So why is everyone else so much more right/important than you???" Eeek! I didn't know how to answer that and sat there pondering for quite a while. Eventually I said that I guess it's because it's how I've been brought up... To knwo that everyone else is right and that I'm always wrong. That I shouldn't even check to see if I'm right because I'm always, always wrong and everyone else knows better and knows what's right. Pus the fact that they were my "family" and I looked up to them and they told me taht I'm always wrong and thehy're always right... That made me believe that's how it is with everyone that knows me.

So... Yeah, it was a good session, we figured out that we're going to work on my self esteem and self belief, which is a major part of what's spurred on the eating disorder. it's going to be really scary and emotional though, because it's opening up all teh stuff about the physical, emotional and sexual abuse that's happened in my life, with my Adoptive Family and other people.

Heh. I was glad that I managed to tell Sian when she asked "how do you really feel about everything, do you think you have to be tough for everyone else, be strong around everyone else?", that I laugh when really I want to cry, i smile when actually I'm dying inside, I'm really upset and that I do feel I have to be tough, that I have to put on a smile and not cry or show that I'm upset because it's how I got through my time with my Adoptive Family, so I feel like it's the only way I'll get through life now, without too much bad stuff happening.

It's confusing and even Sian got confused at some points and gave me a look as if to say 'what are you talking about?' like when I said in answer to her question of "what do you see yourself as?" That I see myself as a fat, ugly, stupid, nasty person who doesn't deserve to be okay. Oops. I know that's the wrong way to think, I know that a lot of people disagree, but again.. It's what I've been brought up to know about me. It's some tough stuff to sort through and there's going to be quite a bit of confusion, I can tell... But at least I'm getting somewhere, right...?

So yeah... Today wasn't so bad... Apart from when Connor bought me a jacket potato, knowing I'd feel guilty if I didn't eat it and that I wouldn't want to make a fuss in the cafe... He shared it with me, but then he bought a slice of bakewell tart too. and then a giant easter egg for me!!! How could my day get any worse???

I loved the thought that was behind it, but I hated the fact that he was trying to make me eat!! I feel so guilty and so down and so grouchy at the moment because of hardly any sleep last night, that I don't even want to go to the gym. I went Monday and am still aching from that and I went cycling yesterday. I'm going in the gym tomorrow and Saturday. I hate myself right now. I hate myself so, so much!!! GRRRRRR. Why do I give in so easily!!???


Just want to curl up in a ball and cry. I hate myself, really I do... *sob* I feel so alone now. No-one IRL understands...