a few hours ago, my hubby was yelling at me about me picking at my skin (scars), then he has a temper tantrum and throws things and stomps his feet on the ground (like a child). he yells at me because of my responses were arrogant (i laughed). then i finally get to speak and tell him that i cannot talk to him when he's yelling because i put up my walls and i laugh because it's a defense mechanism. then, he sits in front of me (i was laying on the couch) and he begins scratching at his skin as if his fingernails were razorblades and leaves instant bruise lines along his inner forearm then he starts crying. i thought to myself "that's crazy." again, i laughed . . . i tried not to but it was an intense moment and that little voice inside of me said "don't laugh" but i did . . . i felt horrible. then, my hubby is very upset and walks away saying he's moving out . after crying in the bedroom, he comes back and asks me if i love him and if so how could i if i was laughing. i start crying. he tells me how scared he is of losing me blah blah blah and apologies for his behavior and what he said to me. the whole time i'm frozen on the couch. i keep crying. all i can think of is how i want to die and how blah blah blah. i never apologied for my laughter.

i'm going to hate to bring this topic up again in marital counseling next week.

i really don't know how this marriage is going to work when all i can think of is my pessimistic thoughts . . . my suicidal ideations blah blah blah.