Gestalt therapy is sooooo hard for me. Recognizing your feelings and speaking them without diluting them with thought is terrifying for me. I have been trying so hard....

...and then yesterday, I was dealing with SO much. TOO much on my plate...right before my group T session, my boss (a guy who has hated me for 9 years and JUST became my boss) pulled me into a meeting with the HR guy present to hand me my @@@ on a silver platter....And today is my 14th wedding anniversary with my husband....SOOOOO.....

I said things that made me incredibly uncomfortable. Confronted someone because I felt as though they had no interest in what I have to say. When I got upset over my own situation, one member said he felt uncomfortable with seeing someone upset. I responded jokingly that he has more work to do....T asked me to rephrase it in a different way....and I refused. He said, "Try"...and I said, "I can't...actually, I won't"....I was just too uncomfortable with what I was saying and feeling...and I couldn't believe that at that one moment, I was actually defiant towards T. NEVER happened before.

I believe it's part of the work. It's part of the discovery - the process.....But I was NOT liking it, not one bit.

And here I am, sitting here wondering whether or not I made positive contributions by bringing REAL FEELINGS into the room, into the here and now, between members....OR, if I royally screwed up....UGH.

I have my individual session with T tomorrow, and I certainly will ask him for some feedback....but there's only so much I can cover in 45 minutes and I have a LOT of things to address. Group T session....the latest with my husband (NOT good stuff)....and my boss (MORE NOT GOOD STUFF)....

I hate feeling so overwhelmed by it all. I have it coming at me from every angle and I can't escape....I just want to crawl in a hole....