This is what I do. I post in another forum where I have posted for a few yrs its a sobriety forum but most, oh get real mouse, ALL LOL!! are AA members and I am just about tolerated as I do not go to AA, but why do I still hang around someplace I have no real interest or respect for?? I think its because I like the power I feel I gain from escaping their "closed shop", I fear being "attacked" so much, that I create situations where I am "condemned" shall we say, because then I create the "Drama Triangle" I start of at the top and work my way around the how thing to finally becoming the "victim" that has to escape the abusers. This is a game I HAD to play as a child I had to be the one being tied up by robbers and then I would escape and the feeling of empowerment I derived from this was more than just normal triumph, it was my life and thats how it was, I had to escape my mothers chains, accept I think I have this family inside of me and I keep creating it on the outside and never really resolving it because thats not where its really going on, the echoes of my dysfunctional childhood is still living within me and I'm not sure how to escape that but feel this is now becoming more to the forefront as my need to get T to act in an abusive way and my need to feel empowered by then escaping from this is driving me up the wall, but the more T remains unresponsive to this request the more I am having to construct new ways of existing within myself and it feels very desperate and strange doing that,like looking into the abyss.