(((((Mouse)))))

I also have a part of myself that wants my to hurt me or treat me badly. It sounds like you understand that the motive and urge are a replay of earlier childhood things that still remain unresolved for you. I also think my desire for this is somehow a repetition. However, I haven't reached the place of insight you have in understanding how it fits together with my past. It sounds like this desire for abuse, then escape, is a really powerful driving force. It could be very painful if you delve too far into this without t's help. Please be careful not to get overwhelmed with too much pain.