Thanks everybody - I'm feeling marginally more human today (Thurs). I called my sponsor yesterday - she was supportive, with the usual caveat that I'd wished i'd called her before picking up (famous sponsor words). I saw my addictions Dr. today - that was hard. She intimidates me, and I hate letting her down, but she was good on strategies for getting through the next few days. I'm going to a meeting tonight.

I also called my pdoc at my addictions dr urging. Addictions dr. was worried that I was also cutting and that I was still feeling sort of su. My pdoc was good - she helped me work out a plan for getting back on my meds (I'd stopped taking them when I was drinking - which just left me with psych drug withdrawl on top of alcohol withdrawl.

I honestly don't know why I keep doing this. I've had several hard bottoms already - yet I seem to have this self destructive streak that makes me forget how bad it was.

One thing positive I did was I leveled with my boss at work. I told her that I was an alcoholic, that I'd relapsed, and that I'd been drinking and was too sick to come in yesterday. She was great, really supportive. But I feel now like I have that extra level of accountability, so that I can't just call in sick on a whim. Plus I don't dare lose this job so I can't afford any more screw=ups.

I'm going to a meeting tonight, and I guess it's time for another step one.

--splitimage