it is hard not to punish myself when i could have stopped what happened. It is all my fault. Thank you for your reply it means a lot. I cannot help but think that i went to far and got myself too deep to fix this one, to the point where i just feel like it would be easier if i just was not here. It is a scary thought, i just want to be happy and love my life again, i used to be so strong and helped all of my friends when they were in trouble, everyone used to come to me for help. I give the best advice but cant to myself and i wish i knew what to do.