I had my weekly T appt today, and initially, we were talking about group therapy. He said that I was courageous and that it resulted in a newfound respect for me by others. I was uncomfortable with the topic, so I quickly changed the subject.

In dealing with my husband and the issues surrounding his behavior lately....I raised a lot of the sexual deviances that bothered me....and then brought to light an incident in my past of SA.

I said things matter-of-factly, explaining emotions but not FEELING them. I just wanted to bring things to his attention so that I can understand why things are the way they are...why I am the way I am...and in order to do that, I felt that I needed to make him aware of the experience.

Ever since my appointment, I have felt nothing but regret and am very triggered. I always felt that my SA experience was "no big deal"....yet now, I feel all of these emotions that I don't want to feel. I have way too much on my plate right now to be handling more...a very messy separation with a husband who is mentally unstable....my boss is trying to get me fired....at a bad time considering I've taken on all the household bills, etc. and need every penny just to get by. Taking on all the responsibilities of maintaining the home, raising our child, working full time, etc. And now dealing with past SA??

I sent T the following e-mail a short time ago....and now I'm wondering if I'm going to regret that too.....

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Dear T,

I feel as though I wish today's session never happened the way it did.

During our discussion, I felt as though certain things needed to be brought to the surface. I just wanted to be brave and say it - to "get it over with" - and not actually "feel" it. Now, I am mortified...all-of-a-sudden anxiety ridden....and have that sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach. It's bad enough that I have such stressful and overwhelming challenges to face everywhere I turn in the "here and now". I guess I just don't want to have to deal with the past haunting me on top of it. Knowing that a certain situation could have made that much of a negative impact on my life disgusts me. I can't even look myself in the eye right now.

You mentioned something that was of concern to me - that not being able to remember certain things could be impactful. Should the fact that I remember so little about my childhood - up until around my teen years - be of concern?

These feelings suck.
MUE

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I hate feeling like this. And add to that INSOMNIA every single stinkin night.....and exhaustion during the day. I feel like I'm well on my way down a crashing hill.....