a description of the constant struggle w/ ALLa my dependencies..
the vicious cycle when i am weak, qnd rebellious. left 2 my own devices, w/out copious support, encouragement and accountability, well, i would once again be a slave to the free radical brain chemicals that assure me i'm insane and un reachable. unlovable and damaged beyond repair.
when i look back on those days i am stupified and mortified that i behaved and lived like i was raised by wolves, and then shortly abandoned to surviving like an animal. trusting NO one and hating myself, blame and shame fuled the never ending assault i administered to myself, and allowed others to as well.
it is not a story of regret or loss.. just a reminder of what it was like to be a 'living dead-gurl'
trust me, although i struggle daily - i will never again abandon Li'l D. we're 14 in a 40 year old body. i always had to perform and act as if.. i was a fraud. now i take full responsability for, well, my whole life. the " animal i had become "- and now, the snails pace that IS going to get me to the next indicated adventure, where growing up is following a more "normal" pattern. i have guides and angels and clearly marked signs (and still an occasional SHOVE) in which direction is true - for myself.
we are all called through our spirits to seek good in order to pass on to others a message of hope, regardless of the bs we try'n tell ourselves that is to the contrary..