This has hit me pretty hard today. I've made many many efforts to improve myself (intense exercise, new hobbies, effective at work, careful with appearance). Nothing works. Nobody is interested in me. Nobody ever has. Today I've been crying about it. I've been pretending for too long that I'm cool with it and that I can handle life on my own. This is what life is serving me and I'm doing the best I can with it. Today I suddenly broke down. Can't explain it.
To be honest, I'm having a really hard time. I feel forgotten from life and God. This is a punishment to spend a lifetime alone. I have friends, yes. We do things together, sure. They are all with someone. Most of them are pregnant with their second kid. They got it all and I'm happy for them. I'm the only one I know totally single with no prospects. It's becoming embarrassing because I'm 32 and people around me frequently indicate to me that soon I won't be able to have my own children. They all think that I'm a career girl and that one day I'll regret my choice.
Truth is, I'm not a career girl. I just go to work because that is all I have, I escape there. Nowhere near the career junkie. There really is no choice for me. I didn't choose to be alone. I really have options. Three of the guys I've met ran away as soon as I revealed my age to them. One of them especially reacted badly. He said "damn! I thought you were 23!" then he got up, left the table and started dancing with some other unknown girl. That felt so bad, I wish I could tell you. It was like "how dare I waste his time like that!". I'm 32 and this is a horrible sickness. I feel that I should apologize...
Sometimes I feel a panic that overwhelms me. Today. Today I'm panicking. Haven't gone to work and haven't notified anyone. I'm just gone, absent, a ghost. Thanks for hearing me out.