Felt angst all morning, looking for the confrontation. Left later than usual for T this morning really not feeling that terrible panic I normally feel if I think I am not going to get there on time, this time I guess I wanted control of that part of me that normally is terrified of missing even a second of my session. Funny thing is I got there on time still!

I walked in and Told T about my attempt to be late told her that I want someone to "do it", "bring it on", confront me. I want confrontation.

I explained to T about this sobriety site I frequent where mutual backslapping seems to be the order of the day. I apologized for what I felt would be just boring crap for her to hear about this, but she has such a way of feeding back to me.

We laughed a couple of times at the narcissistic attempts at force sympathy some do on their, about the guy that says he is serving god but forgets to mention that his being paid a wage for serving god and how I know exactly what would get me "included" into this "inner circle" of people but I refuse to sell my soul to the devil. T says your actually protesting your right not to become part of the lard!! Loved that!!! Yeah shes right. I told her some other things I've tried to say on this other site and how I get ignored and T says that she doesn't think anything I have told her would deserve that.

Of course I said but why do I stay there??? This is the million dollar question. WE got it down to repetition compulsion which I'd already concluded but we got more into what it is I am drawn to repeat, the abuse I suffered at the mouth of my mother and perhaps me trying to repeat it with these group of people is me still trying to make sense of it adn get it out of me and perhaps also a way of getting feelings seen, although much like my narcissistic mother she and they are unable to truly see.

T says did you ever "fit" in with these group of people?? I said, "nope I guess I've been trouble since day 1" T said "Good" !!! LOL!!!!

She then asked me how I was feeling now? I said, I feel better, I don't feel the need to confront anyone.

I explained about this place to a degree and said it doesn't have the same effect on me, she asked why I thought that was? I said because there are people on here that will engage in open honest debate and do not judge ones character or engage in mutual backslapping every day, though I suspect that too can be found here but theres a much wider selection of people here that come from different think camps and not only sworn allegiant to only one sch of thought.

I can breath again!!