I'm glad you T responded to your email.
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I said things matter-of-factly, explaining emotions but not FEELING them. I just wanted to bring things to his attention so that I can understand why things are the way they are...why I am the way I am...and in order to do that, I felt that I needed to make him aware of the experience.
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I've done that sometimes with different T's. I've been told that you can rationally deal with something (in your head, intellectually) but that you don't deal with the emotional (feeling) side of things... that's so entirely what I do. It kinda sucks, you just want to get OVER and THROUGH the feelings NOW! I know things will work out when they're supposed to but it's still hard to sit with all the bad 'stuff' and emotions and triggers from past stuff!
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During our discussion, I felt as though certain things needed to be brought to the surface. I just wanted to be brave and say it - to "get it over with" - and not actually "feel" it. Now, I am mortified...all-of-a-sudden anxiety ridden....and have that sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach. It's bad enough that I have such stressful and overwhelming challenges to face everywhere I turn in the "here and now". I guess I just don't want to have to deal with the past haunting me on top of it. Knowing that a certain situation could have made that much of a negative impact on my life disgusts me. I can't even look myself in the eye right now.
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I could have written that part myself...
I told my T that I just wanted to get it "over and done with" actually. She then had to burst my bubble by explaining the healing process. Basically what needs to happen in a rough framework. I hated that it seems like it'll take forever to heal from an incidence of abuse.
So. Not. Fun.
((((((((mixedup_emotions)))))))))))))