Agreed, it is not in the past when we keep re-living it through flashbacks and dreams and just trying to make sense of it. There is no sense to such depravity. I feel the depth of you pain, anger, confusion and how I wish you had not experienced this crap. It never should have happened to you or any of us. I don't know how to say this next part, but i want to acknowledge something you first mentioned - e.s. - I don't know what that is and no one has commented. It's okay if you don't want to say anything further, but want you to know that if you need to, want to, it's part of your story. If it would help you - because this about you here- PM me and share anything you want to. I experienced RA too and I'm strong. I can listen and be okay. I've read so much nothing triggers me and maybe I'm just numbed out, too. It's totally up to you what you share here or privately, just know that the offer is there. Be good and kind to yourself. Safe passage.