I’ve been trying to deal with a particular issue, and I found that every time I got near it, I would get so panicky and fearful, I would have to back away again. It was like there was this huge monster behind a door, and thinking about that issue was getting too close to that door. I kept wondering what that monster was…had something terrible happened to me that I couldn’t remember? Well, last week I had a real breakthrough and I realized that the monster is anger. My T gave me a chapter on anger avoidance, and it described me perfectly. Anger is so frightening to me that I can’t even tell when I am feeling angry. And, just like this chapter described, I am often taken advantage of, and rarely get what I want, because I am unable to express anger. So, I am working on recognizing my anger.
For several months now, whenever I come to this site, I feel this knot in my stomach, and I now have to acknowledge that this knot is anger, not concern, not sadness, not worry, not dismay…anger. I don’t exactly know how to get past this, but I know that I will never be able to come here without feeling that knot in my stomach unless I give voice to my anger. And these are my feelings, and mine alone…I am not asking, nor expecting, anyone to feel the same way.
In no particular order…
I am angry that the people I see here as the most vulnerable and least able to articulate their needs are lectured and scorned rather than trying to understand them.
I am angry that people who say they have been hurt here are told to stop being negative, but those who cause the pain are given no such admonition.
I am angry that when people mention something here that has hurt or upset them, it is seen as an attack on the site rather than as a chance to grow and improve the site.
I am angry that a certain group of members chooses to respond to expressions that someone feels unsafe or unwelcome here by congratulating themselves and patting themselves on the back for this being such a warm and welcoming site…to me, this feels like a big “screw you” to anyone who feels unsafe and unwelcome.
I am angry that some people say that everyone should accept the site exactly as it is, or go somewhere else, when I know that things at this site were changed to accommodate those very people, sometimes against the wishes of other members.
I am angry that some of those very same people who say to accept the guidelines as they are complained so vociferously about something I had done that did NOT violate the guidelines that it may have permanently ruined my relationship with the administrators and moderators of this site.
I am angry that the guidelines at this site have become so broad that almost every post that is remotely unpleasant can be interpreted as violating the guidelines, making deciding what is acceptable extremely subjective.
I am angry that this subjectivity has created an atmosphere where whether a moderator agrees or disagrees with the sentiment in a post has a bearing on whether or not it is acceptable.
I am angry that I got caught up in that subjectivity, and was told that something completely innocent was violating the guidelines…I now fear that anything I say here could be viewed as unacceptable, and I may lose my membership because of it.
I am angry that some people use the rule about not sharing PM’s as an excuse to treat people abominably in private, but act as if they have never done anything to harm another living soul in public.
I am angry that this site now feels like there is a ruling class and an underclass.
I am angry because I feel like I need to be considerate of other people’s sensitivities, triggers, etc. but I don’t feel that same consideration in return.
I am angry because I feel unwelcome at a site I’ve been coming to for three and a half years.
I’m angry that I don’t feel free to share the happiest event of my whole life because some people disapprove.
I am angry because I know people have lied to make themselves look like they were in the right and others were in the wrong, and I’m angry at how many people believed the lies.
I’m angry because so many of the members who I loved to read because of their insight and wit have left.
And I’m angry that I no longer can recognize this as the same place that was my lifeline at the lowest time in my life.
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If she spins fast enough then maybe the broken pieces of her heart will stay together, but even a gyroscope can't spin forever
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