I'm exhausted. My whole body aches. I'm hungry. I know that all of this is making it hard to shut off the depressive voices right now, but it's like the colour is leaching out of the world. I can't even get up the energy to take care of myself even though I know eating something and maybe a hot shower before an early night to bed will make me feel better. I know it'll make me feel better but doing it is too hard. I just ... can't right now.

It hit this afternoon. It's because I'm tired, mostly. When I'm tired I get grumpy and basically invite the depression in. I was up until 4:30 am writing an essay, and although I felt all right when I woke up, by mid-afternoon I was just DONE. All of a sudden I could feel my body and mind slowing down, and the despair creeping in. I tried to distract myself. I went to my favourite cafe and tried to write, but I couldn't concentrate. I had to leave before I burst into tears in public, I was so frustrated with myself. Even writing this is hard, I have to think so hard before every word, it's like my mind is going in slow motion. I want to cry but I don't have the energy. I miss home. I miss my friends and family there. I'm not particularly close to anyone here, and it's so hard because all my best friends are a whole ocean away. I miss my dogs, they're my babies. I miss being able to hug them. I miss cuddling with them. I miss coming home to them, they're always so happy to see me. My dogs keep me sane but I see them so rarely now.

My counsellor says I'm recovering from my depression. So does the doctor. If I'm recovering, why do I feel like this? Why do I want to burst into tears? I think they made a mistake. I think I'm just as messed up as I've always been. I'm afraid I'm doomed to feel like this forever. I'm afraid I'll never get away from the depression. Right now I'd give anything to get away from myself, to get away from here. I want to go home. I want to see my dogs and be around people who speak with the same accent as me and not be stressed about final assignments and lie on my dock in the sunshine and read a book. I want to go for brunch with my best friend and I want to fall asleep in my own bedroom and I really want to eat some of my grandma's cooking. I just want to give up and run home with my tail between my legs, but I can't do that either. I have to keep going, somehow. I have to spend another two years so far away from all the things I miss. I have to spend another two years missing them. Two years ... it seems like forever.