Thank you Miri...atch, i'm not sure why i dissociated there. It's not a new memory. I felt little for a good while...couldn't break it even as "i" was in the background knowing there was something to "break". That gets so confusing to me. To act a certain way or do a certain thing even as i'm aware of it. i can think "knock it off", "quit acting" etc. but still can't stop it.

i thought i did explain it above though i only used one of the initials. i don't mean to be so cryptic with it all...**********triggers**e.s. is torture using electric shock.

Anyway, i chose to take the opportunity and that's exactly what it was...from that i glimpsed a part of me i see sometimes but am never quite sure exists (ooo insides didn't like THAT!).

You know, i sincerely hope this doesn't offend cuz i can recognize the pain of others here who are more...struggling for the right word...solidly DID with more separated selves. But sometimes i envy you. i have so much uncertainty about whether it's real because my selves are less solid, more porous (oooo look it up, that word's got oomph) this i think is both another another part speaking but she is also referencing yet another--one with a vocabulary talent that in poetry is known as "fixity"...choosing just the right word that has the right subtext to it over a synonym that doesn't hold the same degree of "fit". Not sure if that part is the same one in gradeschool that pulled a word out of her brain that was somehow correct when she didn't know she even knew the word.

Even as i recognize a lot of the time when another part shows up, because i recognize it i question their validity. i don't forget what i did yesterday completely...a reminder will usually bring it back. i have big chunks gone from periods in my life but not on a daily basis...and i have so many tiny pieces that i forget (but don't entirely lose) that sometimes i don't trust a single thing i think i remember. Time stretches, curves, or slips or something. Something might have happened yesterday but i won't be sure if it was yesterday or last week then that feeling of uncertainty might move into being uncertain if it actually happened or was it just a thought. Simple things...like i went to the store or someone said x and someone else said y...innocuous things. Sometimes my husband will tell me he told me something or we talked about something and i won't remember.

ARGH! i get the feeling i'm being somewhat contradictory. i've re-read and tried make it make more sense but feel like i can't. Anyway, sorry about going off topic but if i don't write what i'm thinking where i think it i'll lose it.