I fired my T. I told my T that I am not okay. Well then she thinks because I am doing a speech about child abuse, I am in my final stages of healing from my child abuse. Then she tells me to think about whether I don't want to be well because I want to be a victim. WTF? I have pretended my whole life that I was okay, I am good at appearing okay, but I haven't healed, not even close. Maybe it was what made me resilent as a child, and now that strength is making me look like I am okay or something.

Reminds me of my cog. neuro testing I am undergoing. I have a higher IQ and high level of abstract thinking, but I might have ADD or a learning disorder that was never caught in school because I didn't fail or anything. I am getting my results next week for that. I am having a lot of problems with my working memory and went from A's to C's in my classes.

So yeah, I am doing some productive things that maybe is a lot for some, but it doesn't mean I am okay. I am still hurting and trying to heal from what happened to me. I haven't even got to the trauma processing yet. I am mostly okay until I am triggered with my PTSD. Then I am really become disfunctional.

How can I process my trauma with my T who thinks I am being a victim drama queen? I was just beginning to be able to trust her with my feelings, and she pulls this. I don't need therapy games. I am not going to pretend to be more messed up more than I am to get help. I just don't think this is a hurdle in the therapy relationship I can get over. My trust in sharing my deepest feelings are gone. I don't feel like starting over either, with her or anyone else. It reminds me of what people say sometimes to people who have had an abusive childhood, just get over it . I am so disapointed in her, and after 5 months of therapy with her, I just don't see how I can work with her anymore. Plus she is a trauma specialist too, so I am really hurt by that comment.

I am thinking of just forgetting therapy all together, it seems to have messed me up more than ever.