I told my T in my session yesterday about my past SA experience and have been triggered ever since. I just don't get it. I never thought it was a big deal....honestly, I felt as though I got over it and it wasn't that big of a deal.

Bear with me....

When I was a young teenager, I started working under the table for a guy who owned an auction house. He was the father of a boy I went to school with in junior high, and since we lived in the same town, the father offered to provide the transportation to/from the auction house for me to work. He was a greaseball....short, large and disgusting looking.

My second night on the job, we arrived at the auction house and I immediately noticed that he locked the deadbolt on the only door with a key. That caused me some concern, and I asked him if the other employees were going to be arriving soon - as it was just me and him. He said they were running late and would be there soon.

We got some work done, and then he said he wanted to show me something. He brought me to a back room where there was a bed...he opened a drawer and showed me his porno mags.

I became very uncomfortable....He then pulled out a knife and showed it to me.....

I became terrified. I knew I was locked in and couldn't get out....I was trapped....and all alone....He then told me to perform oral sex on him. I knew I couldn't run. There was nowhere to go. I was terrified that he would use the knife on me. So, I complied.

I remember certain parts so vividly. How it felt in my mouth. How he couldn't get totally hard.....how he was fondling my breasts through my shirt...when he ejaculated....I was mortified.

Afterwards, he kept telling me how beautiful it was. He offered me a better job, $500/week under the table, but I would have to go to NY with him once a week. Fat chance in hell.

Of course, nobody else showed up that night. His intentions were quite clear. On the drive home, I became more brave....I guess because I knew I could always jump out of the car door. He kept telling me how good the blow job was, and how it was beautiful....I told him it was nasty. (Thinking back, I am amazed at how brave that was.).....

When I got home, I immediately got in the shower....for a long time...and cried and cried and cried.

I then (again brave, I have no idea where I got the strength) called his house. His wife answered. I told her to give him a message - that I quit.

And I never heard from him again.....I don't even recall if I saw his son after that either.

I always thought to myself - eh, no big deal. Apparently, he liked me and I was good at giving blowjobs! And thank GOD he didn't violate my privates - other than fondling my breasts through my shirt - or make me undress! (WOW, what a warped sense of reality.)

.....Now that I am in therapy, and just started talking about it, I can see how much this experience affected my life. The fact that I enjoyed giving blowjobs - because I was "good at it"....and that I felt powerful doing that....and that by doing that, men wouldn't touch me. How I HATE being touched intimately unless I mentally prepare myself for it and keep boundaries in place. How I haven't EVER been naked in front of a man (even after being married for 14 years)....

And all these years, I thought that it was no big deal....Yet, now that I am thinking about it - I am so triggered by it. My anxiety level is through the roof and I can't seem to get it under control. I only brought it up for the first time Thursday in therapy, and I am STILL triggered.

I can't believe this incident that I "took lightly" is having such an impact on me now....and that it has made its way into so much of my life!