River: I'm sorry you've gone through this too, but it makes me feel so much better to have my feelings validated.

You said it's better when you have a "shared purpose" with T. Do you mean when you feel more equal? Could you explain what you mean? I don't have those feelings so much when I connect with my T in a more adult way, as 2 women sharing something, working together? Is that what you mean?

Yeah, "dread the longing and hate the love." That's a good description. It's like being in love with someone who you never can have.

mixed up: I think it feels shameful because it's out of context of a riciprocal relationship. It's supposed to be a "business relationship" yet many people become attached in one way or another to their T. Transference happens, or if it's not transference, it's just the intimacy and the good feelings we have for our T that come into play. Even though my T has told me it's all right, I'm still ashamed of my feelings for her.

If you can, talk to your T about it. My T always said talking about something takes away a lot of the power. The longings go along with the territory, but that doesn't make it easier, I know.