Today it hit me again. I was driving in my car to work and I just wanted to ball, but I had to hold back because I was not about to walk into work with my eyes puffy and red.

In my head, I found myself saying to my therapist that she doesn't have a clue what this feels like and that she is only telling me all this stuff about healing ect because thats what therapists are supposed to do. I really don't know whats going but I don't want to call her either. I find myself being so angry with myself for being like this. It was years ago, I know it what happened was bad, I know my parents were not the best parent's but I just want this crap to be over with.

I'm tired of it affecting me. I'm so tired of pretending everything is fine when inside its not. I'll show up in my T office again next week and pretend its all ok, I have perfected knowing how to do that. It comes so naturally, no one really has a clue. No one but me......it's a lonely place but I don't know how to get out of it.....