I had my final T interview on Tuesday. It was awful and about the only time I have left an interaction with anyone absolutely furious. She used so much blaming language, labeling, and was extremely pushy. At the end she asked what was keeping me from scheduling another appt with her. I was honest about not wanting to come back because of the language she used in the interview. She then had the audacity to tell me that because I grew up in an alcoholic family I didn't learn to set boundaries with others, however if I chose to work with her I would learn to do that and could start by discussing how I feel about certain language in session. Unfortunately she didn't hear that I WAS setting a boundary with her and regarding what would work for me at that very moment. The entire interview was like that, it was terrible.

Between that final interview and yesterday I thought a lot about the people I had met with. Pros and cons of each, their backgrounds, what I liked/didn't like about all of them. In the end I decided that continuing on individually with the couple's T that my DH and I have seen is the way both my heart and head are pointing. He and I had discussed this and both agreed that we we at a place to stop anyway.

I am also pointed toward her for several other reasons: First, I have a history with her and a good rapport already. However, that history is not too deep or lengthy because my DH and I have only seen her since last August and only 1 to 2x a month if that. This makes the transition easier but I don't feel locked into any sort of place or behavior in the room. She has a lot of experience, over 20 years. Specifically experience with trauma and PTSD, as well as child abuse and addicition/substance abuse. She has also done a lot of her own personal work that she is open about (but not too open) which to me is a highly important. And I already liked her approach to the therapeutic process and loved the work that she did with my DH and I, so I have already had a positive experience with her. Finally, she has already been amazing with me. I feel like she genuinely honors me while having good boundaries in the room. I also feel like she gets me and parts of me that I feel are things I keep hidden because of not fitting with general norms. And she has just been cool these few weeks, she offered me an emergency appt when everything went down with my old T and I also had an individual session with her yesterday (Saturday) to catch her up on the last two weeks and get an idea of what it would be like to work with her individually.

I start regular individual sessions with her beginning this coming Thursday.

However, since this introductory session yesterday I have been struggling. I have been grappling with a thought/feeling of my own brokenness. Something to the effect of feeling so broken because of all that I have experienced and bringing all of that to light and also feeling like this recent trauma has broken me in another way. I feel like I am going to be walking into this new/old relationship a big broken mess. A broken mess of brokenness. Maybe it's a good thing to go into therapy and not be able to erect a facade and to just be a mess, but it is not a place that I am accoustomed to. And it is scary to already feel so vulnerable and needful when this is just beginning.

Another thing that has been on my mind and is causing me some distress is how open I have been about exactly what it is I am looking for in therapy. I know this doesn't sound like a bad thing but it causes me distress because I have this other person (the new T) saying to me "I can do that for you". I am not used to asking for and getting what I need. I am used to taking care of myself and/or getting what I need covertly and/or asking for less than I need and making myself be satisfied with it. So, saying what I want and what I feel like in need in the T relationship and then getting a "yes" to it...Well, I feel like I am asking for something that I want and want to run from at the same time.....

Thanks to you all for being so supportive through this I have appreciated it.

~Searching