I don't really know what to say. I don't really know how to feel. I think this is just going to be a bunch of nonsense...just me getting things out. I had such a good day today. The weather was absolutely beautiful, I met up with a friend for a couple of hours and I felt so happy, so light, so wonderful. I wanted it to last forever, but we had to go our separate ways. For a few hours after I maintained this happiness. Those couple of hours mostly at the back of my mind. Now being online myself, I didn't expect to see him log on today, or at least not so soon. For a while now he would usually be the one to say hello first when one of us would log on and the other was on. So, today I wait, I wait and nothing. My heart is sinking. The first thoughts that come into my mind are, maybe I said something, maybe I did something, maybe he finally saw me for who I really am. Maybe he wants nothing more to do with me. I feel deserted, deserted!. I feel anxious. I feel hopeless. I feel beyond sad. All it took was a minute to go from feeling on top of the world to wanting nothing more than to crawl into a hole and die. I'm screaming inside my head, I want to cry. I feel so scared that he's throwing me away. I can't keep doing this. It's too much. I can't keep going through these feelings. Each time it happens it feels like I lose someone I deeply care about or love. It keeps happening, nearly every time. I just can't do this anymore, it's too painful and too hard. All it would take would be less than a minute of talking with him and I'd finally breathe again. It's so hard going back and forth and back and forth and back and forth. What on earth is wrong with me. Why do I keep going through this with people. Even with simple texting, if it's someone close who doesn't text back within a couple of hours I begin to question their feelings and thoughts toward me, and their safety. What else could make sense? Either their seriously injured and dying, dead, or they discarded me and purposefully forgot about me. I don't think I have anything else to say. I don't think there is more to say. I don't think there is a point in even trying...

No I guess I'm not done. I don't know what to feel. My brain won't pick. I keep going from not quite depressed and not quite angry. My thoughts are racing, my heart has sunken, and my feelings keep changing accordingly. I wish I could just pick one. Always discarded, deserted, abandoned, rejected, forgotten, erased. So now all I feel is that he doesn't care about me, I feel like he has erased me from his past, from his life, and from his mind. I wish I could erase myself too. I wish I could completely disappear.