River: I'm sorry you've gone through this too, but it makes me feel so much better to have my feelings validated.
I think thats exactly right, in fact I wish people wouldnt say 'I'm sorry you feel........', because thats the idea of sharing, just like you said, its validating, and I dont want anyone to be 'sorry', I think the idea is better to be glad about being able to be truthful. Now, I have been wanting to say this for ages, and I dont mean to be hurtful to you, I'm just glad you put those things together. ... and gave me the opportunity.
You said it's better when you have a "shared purpose" with T. Do you mean when you feel more equal? Could you explain what you mean? I don't have those feelings so much when I connect with my T in a more adult way, as 2 women sharing something, working together? Is that what you mean?

Yes, its something like that. Shared purpose... that was how it used to feel, that we both shared the purpose of me addressing the disorder and we shared principles. When he seemed to change, it was like the principles got lost, he changed his responses to me but didnt think he had. For eg, if I'd say something, he'd ask me a question, so he was open and interested, - the shared purpose was to explore together. And specially I remember how he looked at me, a gentle command in his eyes, he didnt over smile when I came in, his look said 'were here to work, I wont waste a single moment of your time', it felt like he was demanding the best for me and from me, like, real quality.
then, several things changed, for one, he stopped asking me questions, instead he was more inclined to tell me. It felt like he'd got lazy. I dont accept Ts as authority, at least not authority over me, I do a lot of work and thinking for myself (in fact, I cant stop ) so, I at least expect to have a say. So, how that effected me: well, before I felt intense about him, lots of excitement, and desire to be with him, but that was ok, because it was for a shared goal. When all the other stuff started, I started to have fantasies about him, and feel desire which seemed rediculous, he's a T. he's married, he's got his life sorte out etc, like you said, and I felt my loneliness, my neediness, and it just was overblown, like melt down in a pressure cooker, too much.

so I left last November.
now I'm about to try again.
gosh, I've gone on a bit, dunno if that explains anymore?:
Yeah, "dread the longing and hate the love." That's a good description. It's like being in love with someone who you never can have.

mixed up: I think it feels shameful because it's out of context of a riciprocal relationship. It's supposed to be a "business relationship" yet many people become attached in one way or another to their T. Transference happens, or if it's not transference, it's just the intimacy and the good feelings we have for our T that come into play. Even though my T has told me it's all right, I'm still ashamed of my feelings for her.

If you can, talk to your T about it. My T always said talking about something takes away a lot of the power. The longings go along with the territory, but that doesn't make it easier, I know.