i don't mean to be devil's advocate or whatever else, this is a genuine question so please don't jump on me! i think the 12 steps are a viable option of help but this higer power thing does bother me - what if you *genuinely* don't believe in anything over and above yourself?

i am having to stop my self drinking at the moment as it's getting a bit dodgy again, but i can honestly say i don't believe in anything beyond me. that's not meant to sound egotistical or arrogant - i don't mean it in that way, more in that i'm a strong believer in the "if i don't help myself in life, no one else will, i can only rely on one being and that's me, ultimately" - now this is ok in that it does mean i take my own failings on myself and i admit i have many, but it's not helpful when asked to name a higher power.

i could choose someone i admire - but most of my icons are dead, and all the people i know that i could pick (well i can't think of anyone i would pick but for argument's sake) are going to die at some point probably reasonably soon.

i could pick someone or thing fictional - but again, how could i put my faith in something i know doesn't exist?

same goes for all religious ideas - i'm one of the staunchest atheists i've ever met, i genuinely think that there is nothing beyond he grave etc etc.

i could put my faith in nature/earth, but i know it's going to wipe us all out at some point - it is possibly the most powerful thing i can think of, but given that natural disasters on a scale never witnessed are probable in my lifetime, i'd not be comfortable with that either.

i could put my trust in martians/aliens - i'm convinced they exist - after all, believing we are the only intelligent (huh!) life in the entire universe is arrogant in the extreme - but surely if aliens were going to show us the light, so to speak, we would be able to tell this would happen, again it's too flimsy.

what on earth is there that could possibly let me put my trust outside myself? because at the moment i believe i am only beholden to one entity in the universe and that's myself. and i sure as hell don't trust myself to sort myself out!

sorry if this sounds like i'm being wilfully difficult, it really is a hard question for me.