This is probably a bad first post but I need advice...

I don't even know where to start. I have a five year old boy who was quite a surprise at his conception. The first couple of years, I loved being a mother. He was a great baby and a good toddler. At about three years old, he started having aggression issues and started lying and he just doesn't listen or respect anything that I or his stepfather says. He seems to listen better to grandparents and other authority figures. He also has issues in school - inattention, bullying, lack of concentration. Sometimes he also displays aggression towards the pets in our home. He never seems happy.

There is no way to sugarcoat this - sometimes I just don't want to be a mom. I rarely get pleasure from him anymore, the difficulties seem to outweigh the benefits. His real father is a drunk and has lost all rights. His stepfather doesn't know how to deal with children and mourns the loss of his independent, spontaneous lifestyle (we have been together almost two years now). I could never just leave him (my son), my guilt would plague me forever. However, I know I am not a good mother. I am always cross with him, I don't enjoy spending time with him. I am pretty sure all his behavioral problems are my fault. He would be much better off without me.

I am getting counseling for my son and may well get counseling for myself as well. I am currently recovering from knee surgery and can't drive and my husband doesn't want me to go to counseling in our small town because it is too small - he says he can't count on professionalism and confidentiality. So the next nearest counselor is seventy miles away. So it will be a couple weeks before I can start counseling for myself. For my son, they have a two week waiting list. Time is not exactly of the essence, I don't plan on doing anything stupid - I would just like to be working towards getting better and sooner rather than later.

Am I the only mother in the world who has a hard time being a mother? And not just once in awhile, but all the time?